The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
