4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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