I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
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