I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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