at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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