I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
