so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
