Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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