So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
