every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize