Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
