just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
