I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
