Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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