I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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