bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
