Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
