did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
