The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
