do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
