Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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