piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
