i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
