I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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