Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
