please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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