I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Randomize
