Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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