I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
