thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
