I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
My penis needs a shock collar
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
