tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
