no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
