Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize