textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
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