i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
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