Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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