Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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