I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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