She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Randomize
