Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
we're chasing vodka with high fives
My vagina just recognized that song.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
