You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
