please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
