this will be a night to untag.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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