You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
