Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
