The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
She's the barista slut.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
