The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
