How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
