Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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