If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
