I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
It's official drugs can't kill me
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
They have beer where we have blood.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
