Where did you get a picture of my penis
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
