I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
