I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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