Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
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