I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
